Thanksgiving, 2017

This week has been so hard.  Again.  It makes you wonder if it will always be so tough.  Some say, “It takes time.”   Others say, “In a few years it won’t be so tough.”  We are in a house.  A beautiful house.  Together.  I am so thankful and so blessed.  Some say, “It’s so exciting!”  I don’t know.  But this week was tough.  Really tough.

We are attempting everyday life, each action taking enormous effort.  I could go to swim, but where are my bathing suit, my clothes, my keys…?  I could homeschool, but where are our pencils, paper, rulers, books…?  I could make a meal, but what food do I have and where are bowls, mixing spoons, pots…?  I could do laundry, but the machine didn’t work right and had to go back and we’re getting another one.  I could file for numerous applications for artist grants, writing paragraphs about how much I lost and exactly what it was and exactly how much it cost, and exactly what my artist resume and artist statement and artist bio is…

ALL of this was in the home we lost, all of in was so routine and easy and didn’t take a great deal of thought.  I think losing routine has been one of the greatest losses, and causes each day to take such an enormous amount of effort.  We have so much to consider that we didn’t consider before.  There are so many questions about insurance and rebuilding that always nag. 
Why weren’t we insured for more?  Is it our fault?  Their fault?  Will we be able to rebuild?  Every day brings new, unforeseen territory.  And the barest routine takes enormous effort.  This causes me to have become overwhelmed with the tiniest inconveniences.  A store wanted to give me my returns on a merchandise card and an additional gift card, instead of 1 card.  I went out in the parking lot and cried.  I tried to make a meal, and I cried.

I’ve had to really reconsider what my life is about.  Routine, ease?  Security?  Comfort?  Beautiful things?  Things from when I was little?  Memories?  A knife that can actually cut through an apple?  Rollerblades, bikes, snow clothes, scooters…for all the kids?  A shovel?  Clippers for my roses?  Having what you need to do things easily?  A moment to think?  Constant input from my iPhone (which I hardly used before)?  “What should I be doing right now?” becomes a constant question for my scattered brain.  

I called a friend on Thanksgiving and cried as she read Scripture.  She read Ephesians, Romans, and Psalm 27 (her favorite and my mom’s as well).  It says in Psalm 27 things like:

The Lord is my light and my salvation;

    whom shall I fear?

The Lord is the stronghold of my life;

    of whom shall I be afraid?

And:

Though an army encamp against me,

    my heart shall not fear;

though war arise against me,

    yet I will be confident.

One thing have I asked of the Lord,

    that will I seek after:

that I may dwell in the house of the Lord

    all the days of my life,

to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord

    and to inquire in his temple.

For he will hide me in his shelter

    in the day of trouble;

he will conceal me under the cover of his tent;

    he will lift me high upon a rock.

And:

Hear, O Lord, when I cry aloud;

    be gracious to me and answer me!

You have said, “Seek my face.”

My heart says to you,

    “Your face, Lord, do I seek.”

And…

I believe that I shall look upon the goodness of the Lord

    in the land of the living!

Wait for the Lord;

    be strong, and let your heart take courage;

    wait for the Lord!

It made me cry.  But wow!  Isn’t it beautiful?  To consider that the Lord is my stronghold, that my heart need not fear.  To say, “Lord, I’m seeking to dwell in Your house all my days, to gaze on Your beauty.”  When I can’t sleep I picture myself crawling into the palm of His hand, His shelter.  I am crying, “Lord, I’m seeking you.”  Or definitely trying to.  

Thanksgiving was so hard.  But the friend whose house we were at sat with me after a delicious dinner, and walk, and dessert, and heard my sadness.  She too has lost and lost and lost.  She mentioned that she would say to God, “But what about this need in my life?”  And she’d realize He could do that, or provide that.  He can do all things.  

He has been doing so much that I could never imagine.  The amazing generosity of so many is beyond anything I could imagine.  Thank you.  The prayers being lifted up on our behalf are definitely felt.  Thank you.  How very blessed and loved we are.  Thank you.  

And I read Romans 8:38-39 once again:

For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Verses upon the Burning of our House, July 10th, 1666 BY ANNE BRADSTREET

From my sweet college roommate, English major (of course), some literature that pertains to my current life:
Here Follows Some Verses Upon the Burning
of Our house, July 10th. 1666. Copied Out of
a Loose Paper.

In silent night when rest I took,
For sorrow near I did not look,
I wakened was with thund’ring noise
And piteous shrieks of dreadful voice.
That fearful sound of “fire” and “fire,”
Let no man know is my Desire.
I, starting up, the light did spy,
And to my God my heart did cry
To straighten me in my Distress
And not to leave me succourless.
Then, coming out, behold a space
The flame consume my dwelling place.
And when I could no longer look,
I blest His name that gave and took,
That laid my goods now in the dust.
Yea, so it was, and so ‘twas just.
It was his own, it was not mine,
Far be it that I should repine;
He might of all justly bereft
But yet sufficient for us left.
When by the ruins oft I past
My sorrowing eyes aside did cast
And here and there the places spy
Where oft I sate and long did lie.
Here stood that trunk, and there that chest,
There lay that store I counted best.
My pleasant things in ashes lie
And them behold no more shall I.
Under thy roof no guest shall sit,
Nor at thy Table eat a bit.
No pleasant talk shall ‘ere be told
Nor things recounted done of old.
No Candle e'er shall shine in Thee,
Nor bridegroom‘s voice e'er heard shall be.
In silence ever shalt thou lie,
Adieu, Adieu, all’s vanity.
Then straight I ‘gin my heart to chide,
And did thy wealth on earth abide?
Didst fix thy hope on mould'ring dust?
The arm of flesh didst make thy trust?
Raise up thy thoughts above the sky
That dunghill mists away may fly.
Thou hast a house on high erect
Frameed by that mighty Architect,
With glory richly furnished,
Stands permanent though this be fled.
It‘s purchased and paid for too
By Him who hath enough to do.
A price so vast as is unknown,
Yet by His gift is made thine own;
There‘s wealth enough, I need no more,
Farewell, my pelf, farewell, my store.
The world no longer let me love,
My hope and treasure lies above.

Interesting Days

These last days have been...interesting. People say about what we're going through, "I can't even imagine!" To which I respond, "Neither can I!" It's this weird experience of trying to figure out what's next in every single area of life without any of the normal ease. Of jumping from being married almost 25 years, living in one home for 20 years, to having almost no possessions and rebuying and reregistering for what you already had...because it all burned down. All while thinking through having 4 kids and all their needs, homeschooling, redoing every document, filing loads of paperwork, sorting loads of donations, house hunting, and getting no sleep. Lists are always running through our brains. Constant reminders in every store and home of what we had and no longer do. "I had this ____________!" we exclaim, a phrase that's begun to feel old and worn. We feel perpetually nauseous. I randomly stare into space....my voice wobbles as the sorrow and weariness hits. Friends are so thoughtful, so generous, so patient. A friend I haven't seen in years is up late at night, looking through Craigslist to find furniture that will be beautiful for us, so a new home is...beautiful. Other friends are retrieving photos, getting giveaways on our behalf (so we don't have to go there, and there, and there...), buying our registry, praying tirelessly, checking in with encouraging verses, sending hand me down electronics (such a blessing) to replace ours, taking our kids to do fun things, open for random texts about random needs, setting up meals, helping move furniture...and the list goes on. I am amazed by family and friends, near and far. We're living split between friends who have so generously opened their home and lives to our chaos. We make lists. Lots of them. These friends know what I need to think of that I forgot to think about. And they are patient, so patient. Yesterday I read "O Lord, all my longing is before you; my sighing is not hidden from you. My heart throbs; my strength fails me, and the light of my eyes--it also has gone from me" (Psalm 38:9-10). This is how I really felt this week. I took Lily and Trey to our San Sonita Place property for the first time this week. Trey kept saying, "Where are we? It's unrecognizable! It's unrecognizable!" over and over and over. These are the roads near his home for the 11 years of his life. It's now open for all to come and see the wreckage and ruins. My father struggles because this is what his house looked like when he was a boy and came home, after the bombings in Germany. "O Lord, ALL my longings..." I turn to Isaiah, reminded that the same One who is the everlasting God, who knows all things and holds them all together, holds me. Like a shepherd "he will gather the lambs in his arms...he will gently lead those that are with young....He does not faint or grow weary; his understanding is unsearchable. He gives power to the faint, and to him who has no might he increases strength....they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint." I weep at this, amazed by the hope He provides.

Santa Rosa Book for Sale

I just finished a series of 25 local Santa Rosa pen & inks a couple of weeks ago, and the entire series was at the printers getting printed when Santa Rosa Firestorm occurred. All of the original pen & inks were destroyed in my house, but the digital images live on and the books are in print. My thought with the book was that it could be a collection of pen & inks to enjoy, or it could even be colored in. That's why the front cover is designed that way--for the person who buys the books to color in the words "Santa Rosa, CA, Est. 1868." I am selling the books for $32 if you pick it up from me, giving a portion to Redwood Credit Union for the fire victims account. The cost is $5 more for shipping, so $37 if you would like the book mailed to you. It is printed on heavy cardstock and spiral bound. Since I am a victim of the fire and things are so crazy, please be patient with my getting them to you. The money I make will pay for the printing as well as help me rebuild my art supplies and studio, all of which were lost in the fire. Payment is to my PayPal account at rb1993@sbcglobal.net. Write a message to me there when you pay, and how you would like to receive the book/books (pick up or mail, and your address if you would like it mailed). My greatest hope is that these images would be enjoyed. Over 170 hours of my time went into them. The image list and what they look like are at my art blog (artbykasteen.blogspot.com). The second page is the Round Barn, which burned down. Special thanks to Roger, who started the whole thing. It was his idea, and he was engraving these images into tiles (he also lost his home). Feel free to pass this along to others.

Still processing...

Woke up crying again, way before the sun came up. Some days are easier and some really, really tough. Today was a tough one. Everyone says the same. You remember something. Something that burned. "Oh no! The straw star Christmas ornaments my mother made when I was a Freshman in college a few months before she died...the wooden recorder my grandfather gave me in Germany when I was 8, before he had a stroke and no longer recognized me." The list comes to me throughout the day and night. My mother's doll that had a real wig of my grandmother's hair, the same color as mine. The baby outfits and toys handed down from generations, the paintings I spent thousands of hours on, my father's paintings that I just got and hoped to restore and hang, the paintings I painted for him, and the list goes on and on. No more baby photos of my husband, wedding rings from Grandma meant for our girls, countless treasures and memories. I cried as I remembered with my sister that the toys (some handmade) from her for my children and our grandchildren were now lost. And don't get me started on my garden (that was yesterday's lamentation: my lilac, forsythia, roses, lavender, peaches, boysenberries, succulents, countless heirloom perennials, and FINALLY a single lily-of-the-valley...my favorite flower that it took me years to get to grow here). The photo of my mother coming out of the garden one morning in the rain with her hair unbound, mismatched socks, and muddy hands.

But continual and constant in my mostly foggy brain are snippets of Scripture, living, active, and eternal. Words like these from Philippians 3:7-14: "But whatever gain I had, I counted as loss for the sake of Christ. Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For His sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which comes through faith in Christ, the righteousness from God that depends on faith--that I may know him and the power of his resurrection, and may share his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, that by any means possible I may attain the resurrection from the dead. Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because CHRIST JESUS HAS MADE ME HIS OWN. Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus" (emphasis mine). Do I really believe this? I do. I know I'm lousy at talking about it. But it's everything to me.

Now I know I am not in North Korea or countless countries where it's illegal to be a Christian, and Christians suffer the loss of all things, are tortured, or disappear entirely BECAUSE they are Christians. But (as with all new experiences in life) these verses mean so much more to me today than they did when I read them a month ago! Just as the thought that Jesus did not ever have an earthly home does. No home. Hm, ok, today I have a smidgen more of an understanding as to what He gave up in Heaven to walk in his ill-fitting dusty sandals and sleep somewhere, not sure where, and not really have the comforts of home and his own stuff. And so as I wipe my tears, I remember that He KNOWS. And I recall the amazement in reading Matthew 17 a few months ago, about when he was up on a high mountain with three buddies. He was transfigured and his face "shone like the sun, and his clothes became white as light." Wow. Can you picture it? And then Moses and Elijah appear, talking with him. Seriously?! Wonder what they talked about....Peter (one of Jesus' friends) doesn't know what say and says something about building tents. But then when a bright cloud overshadows them, and the voice out of the cloud says, "This is my beloved Son, with whom I am well pleased; listen to him," they hit the ground. On their faces. Terrified. Jesus had been hanging out with them, eating with them, sleeping on the ground with them, all the normal stuff of life. Yeah, he healed people and did miracles. But here, there's a blinding glimpse of His glory. His being GOD. And what does He do? Read on. "Jesus came and touched them, saying, 'Rise, and have no fear.' And when they lifted up their eyes, they saw no one but Jesus only." This is the God of all creation, humbling himself to serve, taking on the constraints of a human body, being uncomfortable, revealing Himself to us. He touches and comforts. And He KNOWS.

I want to rise and not have fear. Not fear, only trust. I heard a godly older woman say "fear is from wondering how God will take care of a situation...and that I won't like how He works it out." I want to lift my eyes and see "no one but Jesus only." I want to KNOW Him. Seek Him. Reflect him. So my prayer today is that I not walk in my own understanding, not fearful, not in darkness, but reflect His glory with unveiled face. Shining. Even with tears streaming down my cheeks. May I not carry the stench of tragedy in my life, but rather the fragrance of Christ. He has made this possible. He has made me His own, and at such a cost.

Today

Today wondering about...just what to do next. To be honest, we don't sleep much, we are not sure about much. Thanks so much to so many for prayers, thoughtfulnesses, more prayers, more thoughtfulnesses. Verses of the day, once more, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways, acknowledge him, and He shall direct your paths." Proverbs 3:5-6. I'm hunkered down in that one today. ALL my heart, not my own understanding. ALL my ways, He shall direct.

I just heard the song "The Omnis" by Shai Linne:
Who is like Him? There is none
Triune, Holy three-in-one
When all is said and done
God is amazing, amazing
His power cannot be compared
Exhaustive knowledge none can share
At all times everywhere
God is amazing, amazing yeah

Unlimited, infinite, universal
Self-evident, this Prince is the newest purple
Reigns suspended in glistening beauty circles
Uninhibited, through His Spirit a new reversal
No rehearsal – yeah, it’s a paradox
But God’s omnipotence isn’t hidden behind a mega-rock
That He couldn’t lift; these critics better stop
New internal physics exhibits He made the petawatt
The sun’s energy, atoms within a laser
Adam needed an angle, Jesus became the center plot
Now that could be geometrically or cinema
Descartes or Demille, emphasis on the “metaphah”
Or metaphor. You get the picture
But consider the depiction of this power, is it fiction?
Does it take prophetic vision, or religion to envision?
Philosophical spiggity speculative admission?
Nah, He’s God anyway, we’ll never break
His code to regenerate, then create, in the face
Of death, in comprehensive grace. Meditate
Venerate this deity speaking degrees centigrade
Now that’s cold ain’t it, better than Joe Namath
God delivers on His promise, you can quote Jacob
Omni-Potence, Omni-Benevolence
Power, Preeminence, bow to His excellence!

Who can fathom His understandin’ that fastened the sun to vanish
And fashioned the other planets, imagine it from His vantage
Inhabitants under famines, havin’ a stomach famished
He’s not missin’, if it’s happenin’ it was managed
With God’s vision; His non-endin’ cognition
Called omniscience, is harassin’ the under-handed
(How?) He sees into the plight – a view of each conscience
And reads into the mind, perusing each thought, when
Even dudes that lie, then move to keep cautious
Heed to ruthless crimes they do, then He hearkens
Peekin’ through the blinds of fools in departments
Where evildoers hide in gloom and deep darkness
He knows the future, we see the point is certain since
All things happen by His pre-appointed purposes
Even on the earth was His knowledge so impassable
We see Jesus knowin’ both the possible and actual
Whether boastin’ in sin or holdin’ it in
He’ll expose in the end because hearts are open to Him
This theme’s addressed in God’s word
Observe Proverbs 15:11
Though He knows innocence, the vast and the minutia
He chose an affliction that evidenced true love
Witness omniscience – wrath fell on His true Son
Being crushed for sins, past, present and future

Question: Who is the real treasure and worth?
Answer: The Lord, who fills heaven and earth
God in His essence
Is infinite, transcendent, unlimited exhibited in omnipresence
All things before His eyes are laid bare
As He governs the earth and skies with great care
There’s not one sector or section
That’s undetected or left unaffected by His perfection
So I don’t even need to smell the marijuana stench
To know my God is deeper than the Mariana Trench
The calculation is 36,000 feet
Below sea level- about 7 miles deep
If you got to the bottom without imploding from the weight
God would be waiting there saying, “Yo man, you’re late”
In the farthest galaxies, my God has the glory
Because distance for God is a non-category
Amazingly, God is able to be
In Haiti and Greece, Jamaica and Sweden
Barbados, New Zealand, Lithuania, Egypt
Malaysia, Tunisia and the Arabian Sea simultaneously!
Before Him everything is naked and exposed
That means there will be no escaping for His foes
God’s presence in His wrath will torment the sinner in hell
But those who trust Christ- with them He will dwell
Forever

On another note:  here are some photos of my kids....

Art

As many of you know, I am an artist.  In the recent fire, all of my original paintings of my children as well as numerous other paintings (recent acquisitions from my father, things he had painted, things I had painted for him) burned.  Some of my art has been catalogued on my art blog.  So if you look here, http://artbykasteen.blogspot.com, you can see it once more.