Woke up crying again, way before the sun came up. Some days are easier and some really, really tough. Today was a tough one. Everyone says the same. You remember something. Something that burned. "Oh no! The straw star Christmas ornaments my mother made when I was a Freshman in college a few months before she died...the wooden recorder my grandfather gave me in Germany when I was 8, before he had a stroke and no longer recognized me." The list comes to me throughout the day and night. My mother's doll that had a real wig of my grandmother's hair, the same color as mine. The baby outfits and toys handed down from generations, the paintings I spent thousands of hours on, my father's paintings that I just got and hoped to restore and hang, the paintings I painted for him, and the list goes on and on. No more baby photos of my husband, wedding rings from Grandma meant for our girls, countless treasures and memories. I cried as I remembered with my sister that the toys (some handmade) from her for my children and our grandchildren were now lost. And don't get me started on my garden (that was yesterday's lamentation: my lilac, forsythia, roses, lavender, peaches, boysenberries, succulents, countless heirloom perennials, and FINALLY a single lily-of-the-valley...my favorite flower that it took me years to get to grow here). The photo of my mother coming out of the garden one morning in the rain with her hair unbound, mismatched socks, and muddy hands.
But continual and constant in my mostly foggy brain are snippets of Scripture, living, active, and eternal. Words like these from Philippians 3:7-14: "But whatever gain I had, I counted as loss for the sake of Christ. Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For His sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which comes through faith in Christ, the righteousness from God that depends on faith--that I may know him and the power of his resurrection, and may share his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, that by any means possible I may attain the resurrection from the dead. Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because CHRIST JESUS HAS MADE ME HIS OWN. Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus" (emphasis mine). Do I really believe this? I do. I know I'm lousy at talking about it. But it's everything to me.
Now I know I am not in North Korea or countless countries where it's illegal to be a Christian, and Christians suffer the loss of all things, are tortured, or disappear entirely BECAUSE they are Christians. But (as with all new experiences in life) these verses mean so much more to me today than they did when I read them a month ago! Just as the thought that Jesus did not ever have an earthly home does. No home. Hm, ok, today I have a smidgen more of an understanding as to what He gave up in Heaven to walk in his ill-fitting dusty sandals and sleep somewhere, not sure where, and not really have the comforts of home and his own stuff. And so as I wipe my tears, I remember that He KNOWS. And I recall the amazement in reading Matthew 17 a few months ago, about when he was up on a high mountain with three buddies. He was transfigured and his face "shone like the sun, and his clothes became white as light." Wow. Can you picture it? And then Moses and Elijah appear, talking with him. Seriously?! Wonder what they talked about....Peter (one of Jesus' friends) doesn't know what say and says something about building tents. But then when a bright cloud overshadows them, and the voice out of the cloud says, "This is my beloved Son, with whom I am well pleased; listen to him," they hit the ground. On their faces. Terrified. Jesus had been hanging out with them, eating with them, sleeping on the ground with them, all the normal stuff of life. Yeah, he healed people and did miracles. But here, there's a blinding glimpse of His glory. His being GOD. And what does He do? Read on. "Jesus came and touched them, saying, 'Rise, and have no fear.' And when they lifted up their eyes, they saw no one but Jesus only." This is the God of all creation, humbling himself to serve, taking on the constraints of a human body, being uncomfortable, revealing Himself to us. He touches and comforts. And He KNOWS.
I want to rise and not have fear. Not fear, only trust. I heard a godly older woman say "fear is from wondering how God will take care of a situation...and that I won't like how He works it out." I want to lift my eyes and see "no one but Jesus only." I want to KNOW Him. Seek Him. Reflect him. So my prayer today is that I not walk in my own understanding, not fearful, not in darkness, but reflect His glory with unveiled face. Shining. Even with tears streaming down my cheeks. May I not carry the stench of tragedy in my life, but rather the fragrance of Christ. He has made this possible. He has made me His own, and at such a cost.
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