Thanksgiving, 2017

This week has been so hard.  Again.  It makes you wonder if it will always be so tough.  Some say, “It takes time.”   Others say, “In a few years it won’t be so tough.”  We are in a house.  A beautiful house.  Together.  I am so thankful and so blessed.  Some say, “It’s so exciting!”  I don’t know.  But this week was tough.  Really tough.

We are attempting everyday life, each action taking enormous effort.  I could go to swim, but where are my bathing suit, my clothes, my keys…?  I could homeschool, but where are our pencils, paper, rulers, books…?  I could make a meal, but what food do I have and where are bowls, mixing spoons, pots…?  I could do laundry, but the machine didn’t work right and had to go back and we’re getting another one.  I could file for numerous applications for artist grants, writing paragraphs about how much I lost and exactly what it was and exactly how much it cost, and exactly what my artist resume and artist statement and artist bio is…

ALL of this was in the home we lost, all of in was so routine and easy and didn’t take a great deal of thought.  I think losing routine has been one of the greatest losses, and causes each day to take such an enormous amount of effort.  We have so much to consider that we didn’t consider before.  There are so many questions about insurance and rebuilding that always nag. 
Why weren’t we insured for more?  Is it our fault?  Their fault?  Will we be able to rebuild?  Every day brings new, unforeseen territory.  And the barest routine takes enormous effort.  This causes me to have become overwhelmed with the tiniest inconveniences.  A store wanted to give me my returns on a merchandise card and an additional gift card, instead of 1 card.  I went out in the parking lot and cried.  I tried to make a meal, and I cried.

I’ve had to really reconsider what my life is about.  Routine, ease?  Security?  Comfort?  Beautiful things?  Things from when I was little?  Memories?  A knife that can actually cut through an apple?  Rollerblades, bikes, snow clothes, scooters…for all the kids?  A shovel?  Clippers for my roses?  Having what you need to do things easily?  A moment to think?  Constant input from my iPhone (which I hardly used before)?  “What should I be doing right now?” becomes a constant question for my scattered brain.  

I called a friend on Thanksgiving and cried as she read Scripture.  She read Ephesians, Romans, and Psalm 27 (her favorite and my mom’s as well).  It says in Psalm 27 things like:

The Lord is my light and my salvation;

    whom shall I fear?

The Lord is the stronghold of my life;

    of whom shall I be afraid?

And:

Though an army encamp against me,

    my heart shall not fear;

though war arise against me,

    yet I will be confident.

One thing have I asked of the Lord,

    that will I seek after:

that I may dwell in the house of the Lord

    all the days of my life,

to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord

    and to inquire in his temple.

For he will hide me in his shelter

    in the day of trouble;

he will conceal me under the cover of his tent;

    he will lift me high upon a rock.

And:

Hear, O Lord, when I cry aloud;

    be gracious to me and answer me!

You have said, “Seek my face.”

My heart says to you,

    “Your face, Lord, do I seek.”

And…

I believe that I shall look upon the goodness of the Lord

    in the land of the living!

Wait for the Lord;

    be strong, and let your heart take courage;

    wait for the Lord!

It made me cry.  But wow!  Isn’t it beautiful?  To consider that the Lord is my stronghold, that my heart need not fear.  To say, “Lord, I’m seeking to dwell in Your house all my days, to gaze on Your beauty.”  When I can’t sleep I picture myself crawling into the palm of His hand, His shelter.  I am crying, “Lord, I’m seeking you.”  Or definitely trying to.  

Thanksgiving was so hard.  But the friend whose house we were at sat with me after a delicious dinner, and walk, and dessert, and heard my sadness.  She too has lost and lost and lost.  She mentioned that she would say to God, “But what about this need in my life?”  And she’d realize He could do that, or provide that.  He can do all things.  

He has been doing so much that I could never imagine.  The amazing generosity of so many is beyond anything I could imagine.  Thank you.  The prayers being lifted up on our behalf are definitely felt.  Thank you.  How very blessed and loved we are.  Thank you.  

And I read Romans 8:38-39 once again:

For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.