Things are strange...but He is my righteous help.

I've been taking wrong turns, automatically driving home before realizing that it's not there. Carl says he does the same. And then I remember just a short time ago seeing the blockades with police and soldiers protecting our ruins. No one could enter without escort or permit, and then only during certain times. That was weird. When we smell smoke we remember the masks we wore when the air was too thick with smoke. That was weird. My thoughts are so often trying to find their way. What should I be thinking of? Does it always have to have this shadow? Are you tired of it as I am? Someone asked me if I was depressed. No. I'm not. But it's strange. We drive down Piner Rd. and see at the corner of Range a burned out truck and stores in charred remains. As we are forced to wait at a light, do we turn away or wonder with the kids what terrible kind of fire could do that kind of damage, and why do the wheels have hairy strands? Did the truck explode? Why are they not taking it all away? It's always before us, sometimes multiple times a day. So I'm not depressed, but I am trying to figure out what I should be. My sweet friend whose house burned down wished me a Christmas "as wonderful as it could be." What does that look like? Wonderful as it could be? Friends were sick, my aunt spent time with a bucket (flu...). Is that my wonderful? Yes, yes it is. Until Heaven. Is it any different now than BEFORE this? I still have myself to deal with, my daily stuff (aches, struggles, joys, pain, life....) to deal with, and the same God and His Word and His promises. Right? That hasn't changed. My mom would wake me out of my teenage sleep with a cheery "Good morning! It's a new day with new opportunities to serve the Lord!" I would moan. Groan. It's not different now. It's not my first inclination. I have to remember the basics of being a follower of Jesus Christ. To "Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you" (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18). Rejoice, pray, thank. And again in Philippians 4:4-7, "Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice. Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Rejoice, rejoice, be reasonable, no anxiety, pray, supplicate, with thanksgiving, gain peace. It will guard my heart and mind. That's where I'm at. And today I read Psalm 71 (definitely recommended reading immediately, if possible!). These words are my prayer too: "Be to me a rock of refuge, to which I may continually come....But I will hope continually and will praise you yet more and more....You who have made me see many troubles and calamities will revive me again....And my tongue will talk of your righteous help all the day long." So stay tuned. I hope you hear me talking about His righteous help more and more! For He is righteous. And my Help!

Merry Christmas!!!

Been reading the Christmas story in Luke lately (Trey wanted to read it every day). It stood out to me that when John the Baptist was born, his dad Zechariah prophesied, saying, "Because of the tender mercy of our God, whereby the sunrise shall visit us from on high to give light to those who sit in darkness and in the shadow of death, to guide our feet into the way of peace" (Luke 1:78-79). I personally love the sunrise. I've seen some beauties lately, knowing full well that the devastation of the fire lies to the north, but straight ahead I see hills veiled in fog, with layers of hills below and gorgeous hues of pink, orange, and yellow streaking the sky. The Great Artist is incredibly creative. And scary. When his glory shone around the shepherds, they were terrified. And there it is. Beauty and mercy, holiness and glory. We see glimpses. But in His tender mercy, he sends the sunrise (Jesus) to give light, life, and peace. As my sweetheart preached this morning, "In Jesus, the Savior, our GREATEST need is met. By faith in Him we can stand in the presence of God, know the One who made us, and never be separated from the relationship and love we have in Him. We get to know the only true God and get to live with Him forever." Merry Christmas! Happy Christ Coming!

Christmas Letter 2017

Christmas, December, 2017

Santa Rosa, CA

           

Dear Family and Friends,

“We are so thankful to God for another year of life and breath here and beyond.”  I wrote that in last year’s letter.  It is still true, even after our house, everything in it, and everything around it burned down in the night on October 9th. Usually I look at our calendar when writing this letter.  That’s gone.  Usually I look at the journals I keep for each of our children, since before they were born to remember.  Those are all  gone.  Usually I struggle immensely to summarize a year of life for 6 human beings.  That continues!  It has been a year of incredible upheaval and LOSS.  Really, extremely sad and hard.  Utterly discouraging and excruciating.  So what do we write?  How do we remember this past year and look to the new one?  We continue to remember that contentment comes from being satisfied in God, His character, His works, and His ways.  We are clinging to His promises.  My mother used to sing the hymn “He Leadeth Me.”  The words say, “He leadeth me! O blessed thought, O words with heav’nly comfort fraught; Whate’er I do, where’er I be, Still ’tis Christ’s hand that leadeth me….By waters still, o’er troubled sea….Lord, I would clasp Thy hand in mine, Nor ever murmur or repine; Content, whatever lot I see, Since it is Thou that leadest me.”

Carl - Carl is in the end stretch of his doctor of ministry dissertation, which he should be writing.  Instead, he’s dealt with finding a home for us, fixing lots of issues, piles of paperwork and insurance, choosing a builder to rebuild our house…basically another full time job.  He says, “It’s been quite a ride.  The Lord has us covered.  My hope is not in this life but in Christ.”  Carl wishes everyone a “Happy Christ Advent,” time to reflect on the coming of Jesus and what that means today. He wants to share Philippians 4:4-7: Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice. Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Kerstin - We enjoyed time in the mountains and snow with all the rainfall earlier this year.  I continue to homeschool, enjoying time with Lily and Trey.  We missed the older girls as they spent the summer in Alaska serving at Victory Bible Camp, but enjoyed backpacking in the Sierras with everyone when they returned.  I continue to paint and sketch, finishing a series of 25 local Santa Rosa pen and inks that have been made into a book, cards, prints, postcards, and tiles.  The women of Grace Church hosted a conference on “Contentment” a month after the fire, where Jodi Ware came and spoke.  That was a joy.  I have enjoyed visits from family and friends, always a delight.  The prayers, service (doing things for us), generosity, Scripture (cards, texts, emails…), and gifts have kept me going, often at my most discouraging moments…when I was just in my bathroom crying, and no one knew. Our kitchen chalkboard has some of these words on it from Psalm 90:1-2.  “Lord, you have been our dwelling place in all generations.  Before the mountains were brought forth, or ever you had formed the earth and the world, from everlasting to everlasting you are God.”  He is my home.  

Johanna (20) - Hanna has continued in her Santa Rosa JC studies, as well as volunteering as an EMT at various events and classes.  She is thankful for her family and for being safe.  Her Psalm to share is Psalm 46, which starts: “God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.  Therefore we will not fear though the earth gives way, though the mountains be moved into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam, though the mountains tremble at its swelling.”

Magdeline (18) - Maggie graduated high school, making a joyful speech at graduation.  I (Kerstin) got to go on a senior trip with her, which was a special time before sending Maggie off to Alaska.  Maggie has taken a full load of classes at the Santa Rosa JC this fall, as well as working in a Kids Club and serving in Awana.  Her verse to share today is 2 Corinthians 12:9: But [the Lord] said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

Lilyana (13 1/2) - Lily enjoyed celebrating her 13th birthday and spending time getting her bedroom beautiful and organized with a beach and dog theme.  Now she has gotten to change things up a bit in a new room.  She enjoys piano, cello, soccer, youth group, and ballroom dancing.  Lily continues to love animals and babysitting.  She has a great sense of humor and is learning to put Scripture to practice, reminding me that “whether we are at home or away, we make it our aim to please Him” (2 Corinthians 5:9).

Carl III a.k.a. “Trey” (11 1/2) - Trey loves playing soccer, basketball, and skateboarding.  He also enjoyed learning Scratch programming and increasing his skills in piano and violin.  We’ve spent much time in the car lately, and one time Trey really needed to use the restroom but we were stuck at a long traffic light.  I told him, “There’s nothing I can do. What do you want me to do?”  He responded, “Teleportation?”  Trey really enjoyed Awana camp, especially playing gaga ball and learning more about God.  He memorized Proverbs 30:5: Every word of God proves true; he is a shield to those who take refuge in him.

The verse on our old house bedroom wall read: “Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace whose mind is staid on Thee, because he trusts in Thee. Isaiah 26:3.”  Although the walls and paint are ashes, now removed and discarded with our lot scraped raw and erosion control sprayed on it, we know that these verses remain true.  As verse 4 continues, “Trust ye in the Lord for ever: for in the Lord Jehovah is everlasting strength.”  We are exhausted.  But He is our peace and strength.  We wish you a very Merry Christmas and God’s peace and strength in 2018.

The Fletcher Family

You can see my art at artbykasteen.blogspot.com and hear Carl’s sermons at gracechurchsr.com. 

Hanna's 20th birthday

Lately

For God alone my soul waits in silence; from him comes my salvation. He alone is my rock and my salvation, my fortress; I shall not be greatly shaken....For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence, for my hope is from him. He only is my rock and my salvation, my fortress; I shall not be shaken. On God rests my salvation and my glory; my mighty rock, my refuge is God. Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your heart before him; God is a refuge for us. Psalm 62:1-2, 5-8. 

We've been pretty weary and spent. Then I spent some time in the ER again last night, and spoke to my aunt and uncle in Germany on the phone this morning and heard about my aunt's operation to have her kidney transplant removed, daily dialysis, and how her lungs are filling with fluid so some days she can't speak. These are always things to shake us up a bit, aren't they? My aunt reminded me of my grandmother, who spent years without safety or a soft bed during war times. How thankful she was just for a bed. I have a bed. A soft bed. My family has soft beds. How thankful I am! My uncle says he prays, "Lord, I am at the end, done, finished. You are not. How should this go on from here? You are the Lord. I will trust in You." My aunt chimed in, "I make sure the more I suffer, the more I praise and thank God. He is God." And there's the push to walk on, as my sweet husband preaches, walk on in faith in Jesus Christ, who loves me and gave Himself for me. Weary and spent. Untiring and full.

This is what our lot looks like now:

Thanksgiving, 2017

This week has been so hard.  Again.  It makes you wonder if it will always be so tough.  Some say, “It takes time.”   Others say, “In a few years it won’t be so tough.”  We are in a house.  A beautiful house.  Together.  I am so thankful and so blessed.  Some say, “It’s so exciting!”  I don’t know.  But this week was tough.  Really tough.

We are attempting everyday life, each action taking enormous effort.  I could go to swim, but where are my bathing suit, my clothes, my keys…?  I could homeschool, but where are our pencils, paper, rulers, books…?  I could make a meal, but what food do I have and where are bowls, mixing spoons, pots…?  I could do laundry, but the machine didn’t work right and had to go back and we’re getting another one.  I could file for numerous applications for artist grants, writing paragraphs about how much I lost and exactly what it was and exactly how much it cost, and exactly what my artist resume and artist statement and artist bio is…

ALL of this was in the home we lost, all of in was so routine and easy and didn’t take a great deal of thought.  I think losing routine has been one of the greatest losses, and causes each day to take such an enormous amount of effort.  We have so much to consider that we didn’t consider before.  There are so many questions about insurance and rebuilding that always nag. 
Why weren’t we insured for more?  Is it our fault?  Their fault?  Will we be able to rebuild?  Every day brings new, unforeseen territory.  And the barest routine takes enormous effort.  This causes me to have become overwhelmed with the tiniest inconveniences.  A store wanted to give me my returns on a merchandise card and an additional gift card, instead of 1 card.  I went out in the parking lot and cried.  I tried to make a meal, and I cried.

I’ve had to really reconsider what my life is about.  Routine, ease?  Security?  Comfort?  Beautiful things?  Things from when I was little?  Memories?  A knife that can actually cut through an apple?  Rollerblades, bikes, snow clothes, scooters…for all the kids?  A shovel?  Clippers for my roses?  Having what you need to do things easily?  A moment to think?  Constant input from my iPhone (which I hardly used before)?  “What should I be doing right now?” becomes a constant question for my scattered brain.  

I called a friend on Thanksgiving and cried as she read Scripture.  She read Ephesians, Romans, and Psalm 27 (her favorite and my mom’s as well).  It says in Psalm 27 things like:

The Lord is my light and my salvation;

    whom shall I fear?

The Lord is the stronghold of my life;

    of whom shall I be afraid?

And:

Though an army encamp against me,

    my heart shall not fear;

though war arise against me,

    yet I will be confident.

One thing have I asked of the Lord,

    that will I seek after:

that I may dwell in the house of the Lord

    all the days of my life,

to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord

    and to inquire in his temple.

For he will hide me in his shelter

    in the day of trouble;

he will conceal me under the cover of his tent;

    he will lift me high upon a rock.

And:

Hear, O Lord, when I cry aloud;

    be gracious to me and answer me!

You have said, “Seek my face.”

My heart says to you,

    “Your face, Lord, do I seek.”

And…

I believe that I shall look upon the goodness of the Lord

    in the land of the living!

Wait for the Lord;

    be strong, and let your heart take courage;

    wait for the Lord!

It made me cry.  But wow!  Isn’t it beautiful?  To consider that the Lord is my stronghold, that my heart need not fear.  To say, “Lord, I’m seeking to dwell in Your house all my days, to gaze on Your beauty.”  When I can’t sleep I picture myself crawling into the palm of His hand, His shelter.  I am crying, “Lord, I’m seeking you.”  Or definitely trying to.  

Thanksgiving was so hard.  But the friend whose house we were at sat with me after a delicious dinner, and walk, and dessert, and heard my sadness.  She too has lost and lost and lost.  She mentioned that she would say to God, “But what about this need in my life?”  And she’d realize He could do that, or provide that.  He can do all things.  

He has been doing so much that I could never imagine.  The amazing generosity of so many is beyond anything I could imagine.  Thank you.  The prayers being lifted up on our behalf are definitely felt.  Thank you.  How very blessed and loved we are.  Thank you.  

And I read Romans 8:38-39 once again:

For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Verses upon the Burning of our House, July 10th, 1666 BY ANNE BRADSTREET

From my sweet college roommate, English major (of course), some literature that pertains to my current life:
Here Follows Some Verses Upon the Burning
of Our house, July 10th. 1666. Copied Out of
a Loose Paper.

In silent night when rest I took,
For sorrow near I did not look,
I wakened was with thund’ring noise
And piteous shrieks of dreadful voice.
That fearful sound of “fire” and “fire,”
Let no man know is my Desire.
I, starting up, the light did spy,
And to my God my heart did cry
To straighten me in my Distress
And not to leave me succourless.
Then, coming out, behold a space
The flame consume my dwelling place.
And when I could no longer look,
I blest His name that gave and took,
That laid my goods now in the dust.
Yea, so it was, and so ‘twas just.
It was his own, it was not mine,
Far be it that I should repine;
He might of all justly bereft
But yet sufficient for us left.
When by the ruins oft I past
My sorrowing eyes aside did cast
And here and there the places spy
Where oft I sate and long did lie.
Here stood that trunk, and there that chest,
There lay that store I counted best.
My pleasant things in ashes lie
And them behold no more shall I.
Under thy roof no guest shall sit,
Nor at thy Table eat a bit.
No pleasant talk shall ‘ere be told
Nor things recounted done of old.
No Candle e'er shall shine in Thee,
Nor bridegroom‘s voice e'er heard shall be.
In silence ever shalt thou lie,
Adieu, Adieu, all’s vanity.
Then straight I ‘gin my heart to chide,
And did thy wealth on earth abide?
Didst fix thy hope on mould'ring dust?
The arm of flesh didst make thy trust?
Raise up thy thoughts above the sky
That dunghill mists away may fly.
Thou hast a house on high erect
Frameed by that mighty Architect,
With glory richly furnished,
Stands permanent though this be fled.
It‘s purchased and paid for too
By Him who hath enough to do.
A price so vast as is unknown,
Yet by His gift is made thine own;
There‘s wealth enough, I need no more,
Farewell, my pelf, farewell, my store.
The world no longer let me love,
My hope and treasure lies above.