I find myself on the eve of another school year.
Last week I found myself curled in a ball in bed in the evening unable to think about moving.
Do you ever get tired of the same struggles, the same sorrows, the same routine? I do…and I don’t.
The struggles, they bug me (I hear about someone’s awesome insurance payoff or see a beautiful home with a huge yard…jealousy rears its head, or discontent). The sorrows, they annoy me (I remember the things I had that are gone, I’m sometimes tired of the reminder and talking about the fire, and I want to be joyful). But the same routine?
I miss routine.
The loss of routine is an unending grief of its own. You won’t be able to understand how mentally draining, how incredibly disconcerting it is unless it has happened to you. And every change that comes along throws me for another loop. No routines and changes galore (new school program, piano teacher moving away, trying to find “normal” in a home that feels like an unfamiliar rental, Trader Joes has discontinued my favorite tortillas…).
I’m also deeply, down-to-the-bones tired. We are TIRED.
But as a friend who just got mangled in an accident after a summer of turmoil reminds me, “God has me.”
I think of Jesus talking about being the Good Shepherd in John 10. I first read this chapter when I first became a Christian (I highly recommend reading John if you haven’t recently). Jesus says, “I am the good shepherd. I know my own and my own know me, just as the Father knows me and I know the Father; and I lay down my life for the sheep.” He knows me, and I know Him. I think of his tender references to shepherding in Isaiah 40:11. “He will tend his flock like a shepherd; he will gather the lambs in his arms; he will carry them in his bosom, and gently lead those that are with young.” He gathers me and gently leads me.
And then one Bible passage so many know…Psalm 23. I’ve been ruminating on the first couple verses: The Lord is my Shepherd; I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures, He leads me beside still waters. He restores my soul.
I don’t know about you, but I want a great deal. It often isn’t what I have. Coming back from being away, we all wanted just to go home. To our old, comfy, I-know-where-my-stuff-is-and-what-I-have house. I realized that I don’t want to rebuild from scratch, make millions of decisions, replant a garden in the dust, or live in a construction zone for years to come (hence the curled up in a ball posture). It’s a constant ache of what I can’t have. But He promises that as our Shepherd, we won’t want. That means He will satisfy. To the depths of our soul. To the point of restoration. He’s in the business of soul restoration. I see it in glimpses, but I’m not there yet.
Today a friend from Germany sent me this quote from somewhere. "Wenn Gott dich auf den Weg schickt, dann gibt er dir auch die Schuhe dazu.” Translation: “If God sends you a certain way, He will give you the shoes for it.” Another words, the Lord directs our steps, right? He will fit us for those steps. Something to think about. It made me think of the Israelites all those years ago, wandering for so many years but their clothes and shoes didn’t wear out nor did their feet swell (see Deuteronomy).
Friend, this path can be difficult. It sure has been this past year here in Santa Rosa, CA. On so many levels. I am not sure of your struggles, sorrows, or routines that continue on, or are changing quicker than you can keep up. But in Jesus Christ, the solid rock, unchanging, beginning, end, Savior, eternal lover of my soul…He has me. If your faith is in his death and resurrection on your behalf, He has you, satisfying you and restoring your soul. And right now, my Good Shepherd is fitting my feet with the perfect shoes to walk this path for this upcoming school year.
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