I must become lesser...

I definitely felt the spiritual battle lately--there are so many opportunities for either disunity & offense or unity & grace!  And this is often during a time that has the potential to be a sweet time of togetherness & fellowship.  I realize more and more how selfish and ungracious my thoughts are, how often I try to please people (which is impossible), and that I think I just over-think way too much (my husband keeps pointing this out as a major difference between men and women)! 

I was reading today about Elijah in 1 Kings 19 today--about how Elijah had seen the Lord do mighty things in the previous 2 chapters, miraculously providing food, drink, and resurrection from the dead as well as fire from Heaven.  Elijah's thoughts turn in chapter 19 to just wanting to die.  Have you ever felt like that?  Sometimes it occurs at the strangest moments too, like right after a spiritual victory!  How I would like to just be done with all of this, Lord!

Well, Elijah is really struggling, and this is the way the Lord tenderly deals with him:

First, God lets him sleep and wakes him up with an angel toughing him and feeding him fresh, hot bread, and a jar of water. 

Second, God lets him rest and sends the angel again to touch him, feed him, and send him off "in the strength of that food forty days and forty nights to Horeb" (sounds like powerful food!).

Third, God speaks to him and listens to him.  God asks Elijah very clearly: "What are you doing here, Elijah?"  Of course the Lord knows, but he asks anyway and allows Elijah to speak his piece--"I have been very jealous for the Lord, the God of hosts. For the people of Israel have forsaken your covenant, thrown down your altars, and killed your prophets with the sword, and I, even I only, am left, and they seek my life, to take it away."  There is so much here--but the feeling of purpose in fervent service followed by the deep discouragement and feelings of failure stood out to me.  Have you felt that?  "I have love these women, but I feel attacked, criticized, analyzed, and so deeply alone!" God makes him stand through a hurricane (God wasn't in it), earthquake (God wasn't in it), fire (God wasn't in it), finally, God's low whisper. 

A second time God asks the question, "What are you doing here, Elijah?"  And again--"I have been very jealous for the Lord, the God of hosts. For the people of Israel have forsaken your covenant, thrown down your altars, and killed your prophets with the sword, and I, even I only, am left, and they seek my life, to take it away."  Then, the Lord gives him clear instruction for what he is to do, encourages him with the fact that 7,000 have not bowed to Baal or kissed Baal, and follows that up with bringing Elisha to assist him.

I need to go make lunch for my hungry family, but just want to conclude with this:  I have found that ministry is like this.  It always has the potential of either/or feelings.  Victory/defeat.  Purpose/depression.  Unity/disunity.  All serve to remind us of Who directs and holds us in His plans, for His purpose, and to His glory.

Thanks be to God, "who in Christ ALWAYS leads us in triumphal procession, and through us spreads the fragrance of the knowledge of him everywhere" (2 Cor. 2:14).  And with every breath during this life:  "For to me to live is Christ, and to die is gain" (Phil. 1:21).  To Live Is CHRIST!  To function as a pastor's wife is Christ!