I just found out in the last week that I didn’t get the art scholarship I applied for which would have paid for workshops, supplies, and a website for me. I didn’t get accepted as a children’s book illustrator for the agency I applied to either. And I didn’t get work as an illustrator for cards for a certain company though I was told that I “have a wonderful eye and you are a very accomplished artist. We liked the concepts behind your art, your style is intriguing, and your passion for your artwork shines through!” Still…the answer was no, no, and no.
As more and more things get removed and certain hopes get dashed, where do I draw from? Where do you? Sometimes it has felt as if I can’t handle any more bad news. Otherwise it will be the straw that breaks this camel’s back, so to speak. The last straw. Something insignificant can seemingly set me off—where I’ll be super upset and frustrated about something that really isn’t that big a deal. Think of trying to return one item at a store and something goes wrong. I feel like screaming at the poor customer service person, and maybe I have spoken a bit harshly… on more than one occasion…so please forgive me if you’ve been the recipient of my peevishness.
But as layers and comforts of material possessions, relationships, and expectations for how I thought life this year would be or go erode, or more often than not are violently yanked away or attacked, I am realizing something new.
There is no lack in God’s provision for me on every level. Every level. Body, soul, heart, mind, here and now, and for eternity.
I’ve been reading through the book of John in the Bible with young teen girls. We listed the “I Am” statements made by Jesus. There are seven of them. The first one is in John 6:35 when Jesus says, “I am the bread of life; whoever comes to me shall not hunger, and whoever believes in me shall never thirst.” Belief in Jesus fills. (A quick aside here—you should definitely check out the other “I Am” statements made by Jesus.)
Jesus further drives the point (that belief in Him alone fills) home by feeding huge amounts of people with (in a quote I heard from somewhere, hence paraphrased) “bread that had not grown from grain on earth, and fish that had never swum.” Remember? Jesus saw all the people that were hungry and told his disciples, “You give them something to eat” (Matthew 14:16).
As a wise woman emailed me this past week about this passage in particular, “It’s really shocking that Jesus would say something like that - it’s so jarring - almost harsh. But it was like a bucket of cold water in my face because the answer is - we can’t - we can’t feed this many people - we don’t have enough money- we don’t have anything! We can’t. You can just hear Jesus say, “Exactly!” Jesus made that statement to show them not only the impossible situation but to underscore their lack of ability to do anything to help….Only Jesus can give the miracle and all we can do is then pass out the bread He has made.”
They realize that they have 5 loaves and 2 fish…which turns into food enough for the crowd of 5,000 men, plus women, and children…so like 20,000 people? Bread not grown on earth, and fish never having swum. So essentially, the followers of Jesus just get to pass it out. He gives the miracle and all I can do is pass out the bread He has made. He provides, and I get to pass His provision out.
I like how in Matthew 14: 20 God writes, “And they all ate and were satisfied. And they took up twelve baskets full of the broken pieces left over.” That’s how He operates. Jesus shows so clearly what it’s like to be His follower. I come with nothing, and He gives, and gives, and gives so I am filled to overflowing.
Some days I may still feel like my proverbial bucket is empty. But Christ promises, “whoever drinks of the water that I will give him will never be thirsty again. The water that I will give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life” (John 4:14). Believing in Jesus, I cling to His promise not to be hungry, thirsty, or empty. I can say along with the apostle Paul, “In all our affliction, I am overflowing with joy” (2 Corinthians 7:4).
I want to not "journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather skid in broadside in a cloud of smoke, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming, 'Wow, what a ride!'" (Hunter S. Thompson). Like Paul, and like Jesus.
God may or may not have plans for my artwork here on earth, I may not get work illustrating or get to attend workshops or even have an agent who thinks I'm fabulous.
But when all is said and done, I am deeply satisfied.
